My Nefarious Nahar Nahars

When I set up my blog I couldn't come up with an original title. Neither Here Nor There was definitely a stop gap. Well, never fear... My Nefarious Nahar Nahars has arrived. What is a Nefarious Nahar Nahar?


Nefarious: wicked or criminal
Nahar: to shine


I could have also gone with the spelling 'nehar'. It would have looked better following nefarious, but the meaning of nehar isn't as wonderful. A Nehar is a fish. So a Nefarious Nehar Nehar would look something like the guy to the right of the page. Not an attractive mascot. 


Instead, with the spelling Nahar, I can think of this blog as a collection of my wickedly brilliant musings. 


Nefarious = wicked = awesome
Nahar = shining = brilliance


See how I got there? Whether you agree or not, my Nefarious Nahar Nahars are here to stay. 


C'mon. Say it aloud. You'll like the way it feels in your mouth. 

Merry Chrismukkah, y'all!


Peace. 

The Bermuda Triangle ate my car. What an asshole.

So I moved for the umpteenth time in the last two years. I packed up the Zoë car with a plethora of worthless possessions and moved her to the Bermuda Triangle, which is located here:

You may think you are a better Geographer than me because since when is the Bermuda Triangle located in Southern Ontario? You may be saying to yourself, "Bitch be crazy." To you I say, "Please use proper grammar when thinking in response to my blog." I also say that I made this map myself, which I think I'm allowed to do, because I'm studying to be a Master Geographer, and if that's the case I can move things around on maps all I like. I'm the master. I'm the boss. You just haven't achieved my level of mastery. Calm down.

Anyways, much like Ron Burgundy, I make bad decisions. My friend that I am living with has the worst luck in the world. I won't go into details in order to protect her identity, but let's just say two of her cars have been eaten by the Bermuda Triangle. One was stolen and the new one was very shortly thereafter rammed. Well, the Triangle has struck again, and this time the victim was my dear sweet Zoë car. Look:

Perhaps it serves me right for attaching great meaning to an inanimate object, but this car is the first major purchase I ever made. I don't have a house, I don't even have my own rental property... I'm living on my friend's couch, so this car really does mean a lot to me. Le sigh. Still waiting to hear if it's a write off or not and I don't know what's worse. They might try to put me in a 2012 Accent... and those things are just mean. I have evidence:

So much aggression for one tiny car. Also, they're 6-speeds now... I don't want a 6 speed. The gears are so short it's annoying.

No. I want my 2010. They make much better friends:

Sigh. Keep your fingers crossed for the Zoë car.

On the bright side, I had a super awesome day of shirking all responsibility while dealing with various annoying entities. After a sleepless night I arrived at Enterprise at the crack of dawn (7:30am) to pick up my rental, only to be told that my license had expired. Whoops. Well, never fear, I was told. A lovely young man named Bryan will drive you around all morning fixing your life. I thought that was a sweet deal. When we arrived at the MTO it was pretty much chaos because their computers were broken and apparently MTO employees can't count. Anyways, it dawned on me as I sat there with a bunch of really angry people that I was going to have my pic taken for my new driver's license. After a sleepless night and an "Oh crap, they're here to pick me up and I'm not dressed or showered yet" moment, this was not a happy thought. I mean, I have to look like that for five years. I created a dramatic re-enactment of what my photo will look like for you:

Yeah. So not pretty... but that's what happens when I haven't had time to prepare. Don't people know that girls need at least 24 hours notice for driver's license renewals? I mean, I didn't even have time to push my tits up to my neck, put on my make up and spend a minimum of 5 hours practicing my Liv Tyler/Duck face in the mirror. Here is what I would have looked like with advanced warning:

I mean seriously. How do you get out of speeding tickets by looking like you want to tell the cop to fuck off? It's all about the socks in the bra.

Just kidding. I just wanted to talk about boobs again. It draws traffic and this post is pure crap so I have to pull all the stops.

Distracted by shiny things

I am distracted by shiny things. Namely my Macbook and my iPhone. This realization fills me with self-loathing because even though I claim not to be a hippie, my tattoo kind of gives me away. I'd hug this planet if I could. It's darn beautiful in so many ways. It made this in my backyard:

I'm having a hard time reconciling the tree-hugging and technophilic tendencies in me. The biggest problem is that the tree-hugger is a pacifist and the technophile wields the biggest, bestest and most beautiful chainsaw. Okay. Not really. 

Anyways, iOS5 is so super cool. The new drop-down menu tells me the local weather AND delivers my very important emails about maternity bras. 

The stacking feature for notifications from apps lets me know how much of a bitch I am being by ignoring my friends at any given time. Blogging is my life people. I don't have time for any real kind of human interaction. You want to meet face to face? Who the hell does that anymore? 

I finally replied because I didn't want to be an asshole. 


I pretty much only interact with the world through my iPhone. Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, SMS, Email... my iPhone is where it's at. I just wish I had the new iPhone 4S. Then I'd really never have to see anyone ever again. I'd have a new best friend in Siri. 








The new reminders feature helped me plan out my über productive weekend:

So I have now effectively wasted an entire 12 hours doing nothing. I need to go work. Russel Crow is watching me and he's making me nervous. 

He's watching you too and he's very judgemental. He Tweets a lot. 

See ya when I see ya.

Peace. 

This post has done copious amounts of cocaine

Oh heeyyyyyyy. Remember me? It's been a while.
In fact, it's been so long that I'm pretty sure this post has got to be epic.

That's right. I've been playing with gif generators. If that's not epic, I don't know what is. Check out this gem:

You may be wondering why on earth I'd make a gif out of my boobs. I have a very good reason (other than the two very good reasons already exhibited). If you do a Google image search of the word 'epic' every 5th image is very similar to this one: 


Now boys, if you read the image creator's caption and are feeling tempted to follow suit feel free to do so and I won't pass judgement. I'd say I won't even know, but let's face it, if you've read the rest of this blog and understand the holy powers I possess, you know I will know... but I will not judge. I love all God's creatures (Monday through Friday. All bets are off on the weekend). 


But I also realize that despite my blessing you may not be in a position to follow suit. Maybe you are having breakfast with your wife as you read this on your iPad/iPod/iPhone/MacBook* (cereal and blog!); perhaps you are on the bus; perhaps you are giving a presentation of the contents of my blog at the office and now every man in the room is uncomfortable... Doesn't matter why, but I have the antidote: 

RUBBER FACE!

Bet there's no fapping now...


So what have y'all been up to since I last blogged in March? I have been quite the busy bee. I travelled to many countries, visited many people, took many lovers... Okay. The last part isn't true, but I thought it would make me sound cooler for a second. That second has passed. I did in fact travel, but some of that was for work. Mostly I have been staring at my data and wondering (through a veil of tears more often than not) how on earth I am ever going to turn it into a convincing Master's Thesis so that I can GET ON WITH MY LIFE!


To deal with my stress, and to prevent multiple holes from being punched in my wall, I took up boxing/muay thai. I am having a hard time reconciling my love for boxing with my love of dinosaurs. Look at the poor T-Rex:

Wook at da widdy biddy dino-arms :(

And then look at me:

boXing 4EvR

T-Rexes clearly don't work out as much as I do.

Shanosaurus vs. T-Rex: Exhibit A

Shanosaurus vs. T-Rex: Exhibit B

You should realize by this point that not only am I the world's leading expert on religion, I'm also the world's leading expert on dinosaur boxing. 

Why don't people take me more seriously!?

Peace

*Any other tablet/smartphone/computing device is not endorsed by this blog

Note: Don't write on your face with eyeliner. It doesn't come off as easily as you would expect

**This post could not have been brought to you without the generous support of tonight's sponsors: coffee and insomnia**

What`s up MarchÉ

My computer keyboard keeps resetting itself to French for some reason... that title was supposed to say, "What's up March?", but I liked the weird accent grave apostrophe and the accented E. It made me feel all cool and internationally mysterious. By the way, please read 'accent grave' in a French accent... I'm not talking about grave (read: serious) accents here. Besides what would a serious accent be? I found the most awesomely useful internet tool to help me answer this age old question. It's a tool that allows you to do type to text in different accents. Here are some of the ones I found most serious:

Which one do you find most awesome? Please, do share. I like taking awesome factor polls. 

So, why have I not been blogging? Because I've been super bogged down with work and the stress is really getting to me. Even my vacation didn't help. While it was nice to relax in a warm climate, it also made me feel hypocritical for participating in mass tourism, and reminded me daily that I gained 20 pounds last year. Damn you bikini. This is the one beach picture I enjoy of myself and feel okay enough about to post on the internet:                                                                                        

Tattoo art by Heath Ledgeberg

I should probably stop being down on myself... or I should start another blog where I can whine about things, because really, this blog was meant to be light and ridiculous. 

Anyway, I'm grumpy because I decided to stop eating junk, and as a result I'm hungry all the friggen time. While fruits and veggies are yummy snacks, I'm always left feeling hungry. Any tips? And yes, I am eating lots of protein in my meals. 

GAH! This is too serious. I should try channelling frustration into work rather than complaining on here. 

I promise to have more entertaining posts in April. March is crunch time. Back to it!

Peace,

S

P.S. All work and no play is no fun... 

Guess what?

I didn't die!


I'm just really busy.


I'm sure you were all very worried.


I have nothing to say right now.

About the author

So I was just reading about a book (I will not tell you what book because I'm embarrassed), and the little blurb about the author read, "Ms.               is the author of the bestselling books                   and                  . She lives in England." That is the saddest short little bio I've ever seen. Who else is she? Much more than that I'm sure. The following is what my little blurb would say if someone other than me was awesome enough to publish anything I write (and let's face it, that is unlikely. There is just too much awesome here for anyone to handle): 

Ms. Awesome is the author of the legendary blog Neither Here Nor There, not to be confused with other inferior blogs entitled Neither Here Nor There, of which there are many. You'll know which is the correct one when you see it. It's the one with all the awesome and is endorsed by Cindy Crawford. 

Ms. Awesome hails from the land of ice and snow (Canada) but has spent short stints living in California and Switzerland. In California she was a house cleaning illegal immigrant whose claim to fame was possibly having seen Britney Spears' hand reaching out of a limousine window. In Switzerland she was a student. Her research from this time has proven that chocolate is, in fact, a food group. Her claim to fame in that life was having gained 20 pounds in four short months. 

In her spare time, between her very serious and important job of blogging, Ms. Awesome is an aspiring geographer and musician. She is most famously known as a geographer for her work on conserving nature for the sake of the rich middle class. Her most famous song to date is a little ditty entitled Weird Mosquito, inspired by her boyfriend. She currently lives in Toronto with her pets, Raisin the evil cat; Hawkslee the mentally challenged dinosaur; and Brian the fully grown boy. 

Ms. Awesome realizes that many readers may find this little biography ridiculous. Well, you know what readers? SO'S YOUR FACE!

Booyah!

Bonus Material:

If you've made it to the end of this post, you get to see the bonus material! This should make you feel special and good. So, without further adieu, I present your prize: 

Dios, ayudame

Warning: This is not a fun post. It's pretty self-indulgent, since I really have nothing to say and am just felling bad about life in general this week for no reason at all. Ok, it's not really for no reason at all. It's because of my brain (is my brain mySELF, or just part of it?). I'm feeling very frustrated about school, money, being disorganized and having zero will-power. 

I decided not to make any new years resolutions, and then about five seconds into the new year started talking to myself about how I'm going to be all healthy this year, and how I'm going to be organized for once, not waste time on the internet etc. Um... in retrospect, those sound like resolutions. Dammit. And I'm already failing at them. 

Exhibit A: Will-power AND organization fail combo

I went grocery shopping yesterday. Not a difficult task, right? I have been doing a pretty good job of shopping only the outer aisles of the store (you know, where all the fresh non-processed stuff is), but yesterday I had to get some baking things, so I ventured into a middle aisle. Unfortunately, I made a wrong turn and ended up in the cookie aisle. If you know me well, you know that cookies are my downfall. Give me cookies over cake any day. So first this nice "healthy" box of coconut lime cookies started calling to me. Next thing I knew it was in my cart. I mean, it really wanted me more than I wanted it, and who am I to say no to a needy box of cookies? And then I found the Jewish cookies. These cookies are basically my childhood in a box. I had been looking for them FOREVER! So how could I not buy them? 

What I didn't need to do was eat half the box in one extraordinary "I'm feeling sorry for myself" sitting. And why was I feeling sorry for myself? Due to organization failure. 

I returned home from the epic shopping trip to the grocery store and the butcher's. I had about 8lbs of meat, 4 litres of milk, and 3 litres of Perrier. These on top of about $100 other dollars worth of other less heavy, but still significant in quantity, groceries. I managed to carry all of these groceries from my car to the entrance of the building. My assigned parking spot happens to be the furthest away from any entrance. 

Anyway, I get in the door, one grocery bag at a time (there were about 8 of them). On the other side of that door is a hallway. At the end of that hallway is another door that lets you into the main part of the building where the elevators (and my abode!) live. You need a key to get through this door. This is the point where I realize that I don't have my building key. Or my apartment key. Instead of putting them back on my keychain after entering the parking garage, I threw them on the passenger's seat. So, I decide to leave the groceries and go back to my car. Except I need the building key to get back into the parking garage... Um... *insert colourful language here*. I'm stuck in a hallway between two locked doors with half my weight in groceries. Solution? Eat half a box of Jewish cookies. Add two coconut lime for good measure. 

For those of you who are worried that I am blogging from that hallway a day later, never fear. I was rescued after half an hour by a kind woman named Stephanie. Who turns out to be my neighbour across the hall. Yay! I have a nice neighbour! That makes up for the one that won't make eye contact. 

Here is a money management fail:

Yeah. People who don't have money and are unemployed for the month of December (aka. OHMYFUCKITSCHRISTMAS month, where did all my money go?) should not spend that much money on lingerie, or anything for that matter. And how cliché am I buying myself lingerie when I'm feeling down about stuff? Ugh. And now I'm feeling self-loathing... which means I'm prone to spontaneous lingerie shopping. It's a vicious cycle, people. 

Aaaaaaaand school fail:

I have no freaking CLUE what my thesis is going to be yet. I didn't do as well on my kajilion page context paper as I'd hoped, and instead of reading for background info, as I promised myself I'd be doing this morning (and every other morning this week), I have been doing this:

God damn Robot Unicorn Attack. 

Also, my brain hasn't been able to focus on anything academic this week, but it has been hard at work producing the following gems: 

1. I wrote a song. The only lyrics to this song are "Weird mosquito."

2. I coined the term "Pigathor", or, as we say in English, "Thunder pig."

3. I had the following conversation with my boyfriend-

         S: B, did you know there's a fucking cat in here?

         B: What!? Of course I know there is a cat in here. We have a cat.

         S: Oh... I was pretending like we didn't have a cat.

         B: Yeah. We have a cat. We have a parrot too.

         S: No we don't! How many times do I have to tell you she's a dinosaur? 

              I have a pet dinosaur.

         B: She's a dinosaur? 

         S: Yeah.

Dios, ayudame. 

Peace,
S