God vs. Darwin

Hello Everyone!

I thought I would try to convince you once more of my faith. I got scolded a lot about my last post. People threw rocks at me in the name of Jesus, and it hurt. But I definitely believe in creationism. If you were me, you'd have a hard time believing in evolution, and here is why.

Currently the best science that we have tells us that natural selection explains the evolution of species. Right. Faith in science. Here is a pie chart representation of where I place my faith:

Mmmmm... pie... Here is a graphical representation of the importance of pie:

Well... I live with a fluffy critter that helped me with the reallocation of my faith. Her name is Hawkslee. She is a Parrotlet. And if evolution by natural selection were true, she would not be here.

My poor parrotlet seems hell bent on breaking the bank with trip after trip to the vet. She doesn't appreciate the fact that I'm a student and have no money. I've gone into debt for this creature! The poor thing underwent surgery at only 6 months of age due to an injury she sustained at the hands of her very own beak. Scratch that... if her beak had hands that would be some pretty advanced evolution... But I digress. Even upon healing she has continued to periodically try to tear her feet apart with her beak. She's been in and out of the vet's, under observation, and there is nothing wrong with her. She doesn't have parasites, she is not depressed... they have no idea how to fix her. So basically, the vet came up with a temporary fix. The temporary fix went through it's own evolution. This is the kind of evolution I can get on board with, since I watched it first hand.

The first attempt was to bandage the wounded foot, but of course the crafty little thing tore off the bandage after a few short hours. Then came an attempt to put a collar on her neck that elongated it a bit in an attempt to put her feet out of reach. This too failed. She can bend in scary ways. So finally, the vet came up with the reverse cone (tutu or satellite dish), which looks like this:

The last one is the saddest and most pathetic thing I have ever seen. She can't even fly when she's in it... is she still a bird if she can't even fly? Look how pathetic she is in this thing:

See? How can you watch that and believe that this is a more advanced stage of anything!? (And no, this is not being cruel... without that thing on she would bleed out, and it's only on in the very direst of circumstances!)

Poor baby. But she's very loved!

Delusions of Grandeur

Dear World,


Something else you should know about me. I am very religious. In fact, I should probably be considered the world's leading expert on religion. "Why is this?", you might ask. You might say, "She doesn't seem very religious" or, "she's living in sin!" Both of those statements would be true. But it's not what's on the outside that counts. It's what's on the inside. And what's inside of me is blood (and guts and organs... you know). And this blood that I speak of has all of the powers of Judaism and Catholicism churning up a storm in my veins. I'm like a Kabbalist high on holy water. My mind is fluid and all-knowing. 


I love bagels and Jesus loves me. Why he chose to appear to Finn on a grilled cheese and not to me on a bagel is beyond me. 

Grilled Cheesus

How did this happen? My parents thought it would be a great idea to tell me that I'm Jewish, but still tell me the stories of the New Testament, and let me play with a Jesus doll in a manger that my mom set up every Christmas. They also taught me to eat chocolate each spring in celebration of the most significant ghost ever to walk the face of the earth. And so I do. Well, not so much any more, but I did. I got the best of both worlds. I also got a lot of confusion and guilt, oy vey, Jesus, Mary and Joseph... but we can leave that for another time. 


So, as the leading expert on religion, I feel like I have to break some bad news to you that may cause you to restructure your entire life. Here it is:


The Ten Commandments are GUIDELINES that have evolved with time, and there are exceptions. As with all things biblical we cannot take them literally. For example, would you make a human sacrifice? Cuz I hear they did those back then...

Random picture of me looking high in a Batman T

Case in point: Part of the 10th Commandment is, "Thou shalt not... covet thy neighbour's wife." Ummm.... my boyfriend would likely encourage me to covet my neighbour's wife. He would also quite possibly encourage me to commit adultery with my neighbour's wife, which flies directly in the face of the 7th Commandment. Holy double commandment fail, Batman!

Also, Scroobius Pip says thou shalt always kill, which, according to the 6th Commandment is a big no-no. How can you not trust Scroobius? I mean, look at this guy. He looks like a modern day Jesus.

Scroobius Pip

Here are some much more applicable commandments according to Scroobius Pip: 


Thou shalt not steal if there is a direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship false pop idols.
Thou shalt not stop liking a band just because they've become popular.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-english speaking countries as to those that occur in english speaking countries. Thou shalt think for yourselves.
Thou shalt always... kill. 


I like to think he doesn't mean the last one literally. 




My friend took this picture and I stole it. It's the last thing to add to the list. Thou shalt :

Photo credit: Sean P. Stephens

Amen.

**Disclaimer: I am not in any way questioning anybody's faith. I'm just having fun. Mostly at my own expense. I don't know the first thing about religion.


Peace,


S

My Dirty Nickname

I know that ever since I harassed y'all with my e-mail/Facebook update about things to do with/not do with my blog oh so long ago, you have been dying to know one thing: What oh what is my dirty nickname?

Well, it's my Blogger name. Chatnoire. I chose 
this name when I started my first failed/neglected way too serious blog last year when life was kicking my ass. You may not view that blog. I murdered it with a fork. Next time you hold a fork I want you to think about that. Also, I now have a Macbook. See the way that PC just lay back and took it? Macs don't take crap from forks... Anyway, now my life is awesome, but the choice of that name is haunting me a bit because of something someone told me recently. Chatnoire. Doesn't sound so bad, does it? Well, think about it. I'm not going to spell this out because then I'd have to put a warning on my blog about adult content.

This is the serious damage:

**EDIT: For those of you who don't know, this is the background of the default desktop for Windows XP**

Gang of forks:

DANGER

It all started out very innocently. Some of my family started calling me "Shanois" some time ago, and somehow a friend of mine turned that into "Chat Noir" (Black Cat, en français). Being female, and French being a language with gender, this should technically be "Chatte Noire". Well, just think about the English slang word for certain female nether-regions and you'll put two and two together. **EDIT: Since someone, no names mentioned, didn't go there (mind must be pure or something), I will give you a hint. It starts with the letter "P")**. I have not told my family this horrible shameful secret about the cute little nickname they gave me... but they will probably read this and know and then I will feel guilty and ashamed. Either that, or they will be like, "Duh." (Oh the 90s...)

Inner demon revealed

Upon discovering the truth about my beloved nickname, I was devastated. I've always loved black cats. Before we adopted Evil Cat I really wanted to get one and name it Ninja. Ninja Kitty probably would have been evil too, but c'mon. How cool would it be to have my very own ninja?

Anyway, I modified it to be Chatnoire, because that at least keeps the loverly feminine 'e' on the end. I just can't bring myself to let go altogether. It's pretty and elegant if you don't think about it too hard, which I clearly have.

And hey, if I fail at life, I already have my stripper name waiting for me.

Just kidding.

I won't fail at life. I'm too awesome.

Besides, who would want to see this strip anyway?

Honestly people. What is wrong with you?

Peace,

S

Things I am not

Dear World,

I don't know the first thing about blogging, or what I even want to say, but I thought a good introduction would be to tell you some things about myself. So, here I am:

1. The first thing you need to know about me is that I'm Cindy Crawford. Here is a picture of me standing in front of a fan just after stepping out of the shower:

2. Just kidding. I am not Cindy Crawford. SURPRISE! But here is why you might confuse me for her: Last year when I was applying for my passport I asked my friend to vouch for me to the government. I had known him for at least 3 years at this point and seen him at least 5 days per week. When the government called to ask him to describe me, he gave this description:

Height: 5'9"

Weight: 120lbs

Hair Colour: Dark Brown

Eye Colour: Brown

According to Wikipedia, the most trusted and accurate site on the whole internet, I am Cindy Crawford's long lost body double! Wow! Sadly, this could have cost me my passport since I'm 5'5", way more than 120lbs, and have blue eyes... Luckily some other people know me better. I decided to show you what it would look like if I dressed up like Cindy Crawford and stood in front of a fan. It's not pretty:

3. Here is what I look like when I'm being normal:

4. Nevermind.

5. I am not a hippie.

6. My attention span just ran out.

7. I like fire.

Peace,

S